


Who Wears the Fakest Smile?

by TheFairieQueen



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Identity Issues, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 15:03:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15633123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFairieQueen/pseuds/TheFairieQueen
Summary: He sometimes wondered which of them wore the fakest smile. (Canon Universe)





	Who Wears the Fakest Smile?

Lavi knew it was a mask from the first moment he met him.  
  
It was in the eyes – that was how Lavi could tell.  The eyes, as he had learned, were often the hardest things to mask.  They were so filled with expression, and such a pivotal indicator of emotions.  It was difficult to control the way eyes looked.  Sometimes, it made Lavi think of that old saying about eyes being the windows into the soul.  
  
Admittedly, Lavi didn’t know about souls.  He didn’t know if eyes could be windows to such a thing.  But, he figured that they came close enough.  
  
Allen Walker’s eyes were another story.  
  
Lavi had known there was something hidden in those irises from day one, just as he had known that the smile Allen wore was nothing more than some kind of façade, carefully crafted and plastered onto porcelain flesh.  In some ways, it reminded Lavi of a clown: pitifully smiling, for the sake of an audience, yet with tears collecting in the corners of their eyes.  No one else seemed to notice though, and if they did, they never brought it up with Lavi.  
  
Maybe they thought Lavi knew, or maybe they were too ignorant to care.  Lavi didn’t know.  Even as Bookman’s apprentice, he didn’t know everything.  
  
One thing Lavi did know was that he liked Allen Walker.  A stupid mistake, really – Bookmen weren’t supposed to have a need for a heart.  They weren’t supposed to get attached, because human lives were always  too fragile.  They didn’t always live long lives, and such was even truer in the midst of war.   
  
And if anyone were going to have a short life, it would be Allen.  Lavi could see that much.  
  
Soundlessly, Lavi leaned against the wall.  The new headquarters to take place of the old European Branch was spacious, and for that reason Lavi was often able to find quiet areas more easily.  The seclusion was nice; his own mask could be so tiring.  Being _Lavi_ could be so tiring.  
  
Briefly, Lavi’s thoughts flickered back to Allen, as it often did.  He sometimes wondered which of them wore the fakest smile.  
  
There was the sound of footsteps, soft and quiet as they echoed throughout the hall.  Lavi turned, and his lips naturally curled upward when he saw who was walking in his direction.  “Hey, Beansprout.”  
  
Allen grimaced, having heard the nickname even though he was still a bit down the hall.  “Ugh, don’t call me that.  Kanda uses it enough,” Allen spoke, as he rolled his eyes.  
  
Lavi grinned.  “What, you seriously don’t like it?  Not even if I use it instead?  It’s a cute nickname.”  
  
“Oh ha ha,” Allen laughed, humor entirely sarcastic.  “Come on, Lavi – I don’t call you a dumb rabbit.”  
  
“Ah, nicknames don’t affect me much,” Lavi said with a small shrug.  “You’re up late wandering around.”  
  
Allen smiled, small and politely.  Always so polite – so much that Lavi couldn’t help but find it pushing along the boundaries of something more formal, and as though it were placing a distance between them.  It hurt to see that smile.  
  
“Yeah,” Allen answered.  “Kind of had trouble falling asleep.  So I figured I’d walk whatever it was off.”  
  
“You mean you don’t know?” Lavi asked, as intrigue itched with his words.  
  
Allen hummed.  “Not really,” He answered.  His response was brief, and seemed to brush off any way for Lavi to press for any additional insight, as Allen switched the focus of the conversation.  “You’re awake too.  Was Bookman keeping you up?”  
  
Lavi pushed off of the wall, and stretched out his long, lanky arms.  “For a bit.  Nothing too extraneous though,” Lavi said.  “A little reading there, a little translation here.  A whack on the head or two.  The usual.”  
  
A small laugh escaped Allen, melodious and painfully genuine.  “Sounds productive.”  
  
“Yeah, but I’m going to need some unproductive time soon – tonight was okay, but old panda’s been working my ass off,” Lavi spoke, leaning back against the wall once more.  “I’ll be a zombie at this rate.”  
  
“You should get some rest then,” Allen suggested.  “I won’t keep you up.”  
  
The offer, although made in kindness, caused something sharp to stab Lavi’s heart – subtle, yet piercing.  His smile remained though, languid and at ease.  “Nah, it’s fine.  I’m kind of wired anyhow,” He explained.  “For once there was coffee left over in the science division.  I guess hell froze over or something.”  
  
Another hint of laughter tickled at the corners of Allen’s mouth.  He leaned against the wall, beside Lavi.  “Yeah.  That’ll probably never happen again.”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
Allen said no more after this, causing a silence to fall between them.  Lavi couldn’t say it was uncomfortable though; in fact, it was _oddly_ comforting to him.  Nice, even.  Just being there in that hallway, sometime in the middle of the night, and with Allen.  
  
Lavi came dangerously close to slipping his guard down then.  He stopped himself.  _‘Don’t go there,’_ A voice seemed to warn him, which sounded so very much like his own.  
  
Yet it was nothing like Lavi’s own voice.  But someone with that voice.  Someone that Lavi might have turned into, had things been a little different.  
  
_‘Had things been…’_  
  
Like a tape reel, several images flashed through Lavi’s mind.  So many beautiful images.  So many terrible ones.  
  
So many violent ones.  
  
Expression blank, Lavi wiped them from the forefront of his consciousness.  
  
Without speaking, Lavi’s attention wandered off to the side, to where he could see Allen in his peripheral vision.  He was slightly surprised when he saw Allen’s eyes on him, clouded with faded gray and tinged with lilac.  An odd, almost unsettling color; Lavi hadn’t really ever seen anyone with eyes like that before.  
  
Allen looked a bit startled at having been caught, but composed himself quickly enough.  “Ah, sorry,” He apologized with a sheepish edge to his voice.  “You looked pretty deep in thought there.”  
  
A beat passed, and Lavi smiled.  “It’s the translations.”  
  
_‘Liar.’_  
  
“Really?” Allen asked.   
  
The inquiry caught Lavi a bit off guard.  The tone in Allen’s voice, although still polite, held something more to it – something astute, and subtle.  Something almost shrewd.  
  
Lavi realized that he had errored, and that somewhere in the last few moments, Allen had spied a crack in his façade.  
  
Still, Lavi remained collected.  His grin broadening, he looked at Allen, a teasing glimmer in his one visible eye.  “You think I’d lie to you, Al?”  
  
“Probably.”  
  
The answer came without any delay.  Allen’s tone had been entirely conversational though, and not accusatory; it had merely been a matter-of-fact statement if anything.  
  
Despite this, Lavi felt himself strain to remain guarded.  He strained to smile.  
  
Allen glanced over at Lavi, his straight face breaking for a moment.  “I’m only messing with you, Lavi,” Allen spoke, before chuckling softly.  “Don’t worry.”  
  
Lavi recovered swiftly.  “Me?  _Worry_?  Not possible.”  
  
To this, Allen’s smile softened, and he broke eye contact with Lavi.  “You’re much better at that than I am,” He spoke, volume dropping a notch.  
  
Lavi’s lighthearted expression seemed to waver, as he eyed Allen.  The shift in demeanor was incredibly subtle, but still noticeable enough that Lavi could detect it with ease.  It was a fragile detail, and one that tremored like a brittle leaf – dry, and befallen to the wind.  Distant.  Fleeting.  
  
Temporary.  
  
Somehow, the air seemed to change in that hallway.  The quiet atmosphere remained, but something else loomed within it: heavy, and a little stifling.  Painful.  
  
Attention still on Allen, Lavi’s mouth opened, and the words slipped out all too easily.  “You okay?”  
  
The inquiry seemed to snap Allen from whatever daze he had been in, and he looked at Lavi.  His eyes at first held uncertainty, but the look soon evaporated.  Allen smiled apologetically.  “Yeah.  Sorry – I guess I’m more tired than I realized.”  
  
Lavi pushed himself off of the wall.  “Let’s walk back then.  I probably should be trying to fall asleep myself.”  
  
“I thought you were too wired?” Allen asked, lips quirking upward.  
  
Lavi shrugged.  “I mean, when am I _not_ wired?”  
  
“I guess that’s true,” Allen said, as he also got up from leaning against the wall.  
  
The two of them started heading back after that, toward where the rooms were.  Given how late it was, neither Lavi nor Allen spied a soul; everyone appeared to be asleep, and most of the halls were dark if not dimly lit.  
  
Absently, Lavi wondered how many nights Allen had ended up awake and in those hallways – as well as the ones in the previous headquarters.  He had a sneaking suspicion that this wasn’t Allen’s first time.  
  
They passed Lavi’s room, and Allen turned to Lavi, eyebrow raised and a curious spark in his eyes.  “You think I can’t find my own room?” He asked, tone slightly playful.  
  
“Of course not.  I’m just being a gentleman is all.”  
  
A snort of laughter escaped Allen.   
  
Lavi paused, just as they were reaching Allen’s room.  “What’s so funny?” He asked, as feign hurt entered his voice.  “I’m _completely_ capable of being dashing and polite!”  
  
“Mm.  I didn’t say you weren’t,” Allen said, before offering a smile in Lavi’s direction.  “Thanks.  You’ve been a _very_ dashing escort.”  
  
The way Allen smiled in that moment seemed to cause something in Lavi to shift; unexpectedly, his heart skipped a beat, and he inwardly cursed.  Lavi hadn’t planned for that kind of reaction from Allen, and despite it being a seemingly small thing, it had an unpleasantly _substantial_ impact on him – one that Lavi wasn’t even entirely at ease with.  
  
Yet, Lavi smiled.  “Glad I could be of service.”  
  
Allen made a move to return into his room after that.  It was so late, and Lavi knew it was only expected for them to part ways at this point; however, that knowledge didn’t prevent the odd trickle of disappointment that seemed to linger in Lavi’s chest, coiling around his lungs and causing his breath to stiffen.   
  
It was a mistake.  Lavi was too attached.  _That_ was a mistake.  
  
_‘You shouldn’t feel anything…’_ Lavi tried to remind himself.  That internal voice tried to remind himself.  
  
_Lavi_ didn’t need to feel anything.  Lavi wasn’t _supposed_ to feel anything.  
  
Lavi was a mask, and Lavi had no feelings.  
  
Unexpectedly, Allen had hesitated.  His focus moved over to Lavi, as he looked at the other exorcist carefully.  “You have that look again,” Allen noted, before softly smiling.  “Guess those translations are still sinking in.”  
  
Another callout, too dangerously close.   
  
Lavi made a minimal attempt to brush it off, and shrugged.  “Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in…”  
  
As he spoke, Lavi’s words sounded distant.  Deep down, he knew he was talking about more than a few measly translations.  
  
Deep down, Lavi knew that someone else might have been speaking.  Foolishly.  Stupidly.  
  
_‘You’ll regret this.’_  
  
The mask was so tiring to wear at times, and it hung upon Lavi’s face heavily.  It was exhausting, and in that moment, Lavi could feel it threatening to fade away.  He could feel it threatening to break apart, under Allen’s gaze and where Lavi would be vulnerable.   
  
A mistake.  It all was a mistake.  
  
The feeling of something brushing against Lavi’s partially-gloved hand caught his attention; he realized that in his thoughts, Lavi had errored in retaining an observing eye.   
  
Lavi also realized that Allen had taken his hand, and his heart thudded in his chest.  
  
The Bookman-in-training stared.  He was looking at the way Allen’s hand had taken his – gingerly, and with hesitancy.  Yet bold given the circumstances.   
  
Using the surprise to his advantage, Lavi’s gaze raised to meet Allen’s, and somewhat lopsidedly his mouth turned upward.  “Don’t want me to go?”  
  
Allen didn’t answer, and a far-off look remained on his face.  His expression was still controlled, but only just so; somewhere, in those palely-colored irises, Lavi could see a flicker of something devastatingly forlorn.  
  
Instinctively, some part of Lavi – some very _human_ part – felt the compulsion to reach out, and to trace his fingers along the red scar that marred part of Allen’s face.  He forced himself to hold back, and something inside crumbled.  
  
No words had left Allen by this point, and his gaze had averted, downcast and avoidant.  Lavi thought that he felt Allen’s hand tremor.  
  
Abruptly, Allen let go.   
  
“Sorry,” Allen apologized, as he still was careful to avoid meeting Lavi’s gaze.  “I better go to sleep-“  
  
_‘Don’t-‘_  
  
Before Allen could turn inside, Lavi’s reflexes acted, and he took back Allen’s hand.  In one swift movement, Lavi pulled Allen forward.  
  
The next thing Lavi knew, he was kissing Allen.  Lips slightly chapped, yet oddly soft; warm, and cool all at once.  Loudly, Lavi could hear his heart hammering in his chest, and in fact it was so loud that he was almost certain that Allen would have heard it as well.  
  
But, for a moment, part of the mask was gone.  Hand still holding Allen’s, Lavi could feel the fingers of the other exorcist loosen, as they more naturally fell into Lavi’s grasp.  
  
Lavi nearly sighed into the kiss; he would have given almost anything to have held onto that moment forever.  
  
Logic soon caught up to Lavi though, and he pulled back.  It was shockingly difficult to release Allen’s hand; Lavi had to force himself to do it, as he went through all of the reasons in his head as to why he _shouldn’t_ have been holding Allen’s hand like that.  
  
As soon as Lavi did let go, he chanced to look at Allen’s face.  Allen seemed rather dazed, and unsure of how to process what had just happened; Lavi didn’t blame him.  He would need to process the incident too.  
  
Recover.  Lavi needed to recover.   
  
While fighting the yearning that burned inside, Lavi again looked at Allen with a smile – though this one held a hint of something else.  Something almost wistful.   
“I’ll let you crash now,” Lavi said, somehow managing to sound casual despite the way his insides felt as though they were twisting into a tangled mess, suffocating and unpleasant.  
  
Allen paused, and for a second, Lavi felt nervous.  He felt afraid.  
  
Then, Allen smiled.  His eyes were soft, and pale like freshly fallen snow – powdery, and unscathed.  An illusion.  
  
“Goodnight,” Allen said, voice gentle.  Voice polite.  Always so polite.  
  
Always such a mask.  
  
Without any more words exchanged, Allen retreated into his room, leaving Lavi outside.  
  
_‘You’re such a failure,’_ The voice chided Lavi, though his smile remained.  _‘You slipped.  You made a mistake.’_  
  
Lavi couldn’t argue with it; he knew he had errored, and he knew that a part of him would regret what happened.  To give into such whims, and to actually allow himself to feel such emotions was a horrid decision that would only result in some temporary gratification at best.  It would only result in pain.  
  
Yet, there was  a part of Lavi that wanted to say he wouldn’t regret it.  
  
Lavi replayed the incident in his mind.  The touch, the kiss, the way Allen’s eyes had looked – he could have sworn, that even if only for a quick second, that Allen’s own mask had chipped, and the clownish façade had fractured.  He could have sworn, that even if only for a quick seconds, that Allen had not been lying.  
  
Lavi could have sworn, but he didn’t know.  It was hard to tell when they both wore such fake smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of the title before I thought of anything else. Lately I’ve wanted to drabble something Laven - though this came out a bit longer than a drabble. XD (Plus Laven Week got canceled? I had to still get something out.)
> 
> I’d never written them before, but have always liked them as a pairing - especially given they both have such layered and complex identities. It honestly hurts to think of how they’d develop in a more canon context. ;__;
> 
> Hopefully they seemed somewhat true to character this time around. I definitely need to write them more.


End file.
